Victory Vanguard: The Running Man Protocol and The Impossible Thing
A League of Extraordinary Cosmic Comedians Adventure
To start at the beginning, see Cracking the Code: AI-Generated Far Side Puzzles That Tickle Your Bra-in – RLKReflections
This blog post, titled "Victory Vanguard: The Running Man Protocol and The Impossible Thing," is an installment in the A League of Extraordinary Cosmic Comedians Adventure series, following the crew of the starship Roundabout, the Victory Vanguard.
Some footnotes: Star Trek science crew, Dek, and Bud from Predator Badlands were in the area. Bazarro Firestorm arrived to help out.
Here is a summary of the events by Gemini:
The Running Man Experiment Gone Wrong
Captain Clueless Coocoo decides to recreate a version of the Earth movie The Running Man in the ship's VR Reality Room.
He uses a "Twilight Zone stopwatch," a temporal-dimensional manipulator, which causes a magnificent reality-bending glitch.
Instead of normal VR opponents, the room is flooded with pursuers from various dimensions, including zombies, werewolves, ghosts, impossibly fast backwards greyhounds, and a Big Giant Brain.
The Captain's pure intentions and supernatural luck somehow make all these entities fall into rhythm with the Grateful Dead song "A Touch of Grey," turning the reality-breaking disaster into a cross-dimensional musical exercise routine.
The Impossible Threat
While the Captain is happily exercising, alarms sound across the ship. The crew (Valkyrie Prime, Wacko Warrior, Think-About-It, Nasrudin, etc.) detects a massive, extinction-level threat approaching: the original evolutionary trio of evil.
The three entities—Species 8472 (biological perfection and telepathy), The Thing (perfect cellular assimilation), and The Impossible Man (reality-warping chaos)—are attempting to merge into what the ship's AI, Think-About-It, designates as "The Impossible Thing."
The merged entity would be an unkillable, reality-warping, perfectly assimilating horror that the crew calculates has a near 0% chance of being defeated by conventional means.
The Absurd Solution
The Victory Vanguard's strategy relies on unconventional warfare and Captain Coocoo's unique ability to weaponize chaos. The crew issues Directive 47-C, making Captain Coocoo's "random" VR choices an official part of the battle plan, as they consistently correlate with cosmic solutions.
The main crew launches a direct, tactical assault to create a 4.7-minute window of vulnerability using nanoprobes developed by Seven of Nine and the Voyager Doctor, while the Captain continues his exercise.
During the merge, Captain Coocoo clicks the Twilight Zone stopwatch again, inverting the dimensional portals. This action connects the VR exercise flash mob (zombies, werewolves, ghosts, and the Big Giant Brain) directly to the Impossible Thing.
The ultimate predator, a being of survival and assimilation, is utterly confused by the presence of a group of entities motivated by "pure, unselfish, collaborative joy" who are trying to teach it proper running form and lunges.
The Impossible Thing, unable to adapt to or understand collaborative happiness, is neutralized not through violence, but through the Captain's genuine offer of friendship and an invitation to join the aerobics class.
Conclusion
The threat is neutralized. The three merged entities—now designated Steve (Species 8472), Tom (The Thing), and Impy (Impossible Man)—become new crew members.
Captain Coocoo's VR Running Man exercise program is officially designated as a diplomatic first-contact protocol, confirming that the Victory Vanguard's method of "strategic absurdity combined with genuine kindness" can transform extinction-level threats into allies.
Opening Song: "A Touch of Grey" by Grateful Dead
Playing in the VR room as Captain Coocoo begins his exercise, with all dimensional creatures mysteriously singing along
Think-About-It AI Log – Entry 3047.9
Recording commenced as Captain Clueless Coocoo attempts another "experimental" VR activity...
Chapter 1: The Running Man Experiment Gone Beautifully Wrong
"Well, I'll be hornswoggled!" Captain Clueless Coocoo announced, standing in the VR Reality Room wearing his magnificent superhero power suit—a kaleidoscope of blinking lights, cosmic sensors, and what appeared to be a cup holder. "Think-About-It, I just watched this Earth movie called The Running Man, and I got me an idea!"
Dr. Quackenbush's hologram materialized with his characteristic House-meets-Hawkeye sarcasm. "Let me guess—you want to recreate a dystopian death sport inside our holodeck? What could possibly go wrong besides everything?"
"Not quite, Doc!" Captain Coocoo beamed, pulling out what appeared to be an old stopwatch. "I found this Twilight Zone stopwatch thingy in the ship's storage. Wacko Warrior said it was from some kind of stopwatch dimension. I figured I'd use it to make the Running Man game more interesting—you know, speed things up a bit!"
Professor Pepperwinkle's blue metallic features scrunched in alarm. "Captain, that's not just any stopwatch! That's a temporal-dimensional manipulator from the Twilight Zone reality! It doesn't stop time—it borrows it from other dimensions!"
"Sounds perfect!" Captain Coocoo clicked the stopwatch.
Immediately, the VR room shimmered and transformed into neon-drenched, rain-slicked streets that mimicked the original Running Man game show. But something went magnificently wrong (or perfectly right, depending on your perspective).
Instead of normal VR opponents, the stopwatch activated its dimensional borrowing protocols. Reality rifts tore open, and pursuers from multiple dimensions began pouring through:
The Shambling Horde from Zombie Land: Zombies stumbled through, moaning bureaucratically about "Munching Zone designations" and filing proper paperwork.
The Primal Pack from Lycan: Werewolves leapt from rooftop to rooftop. At the same time, vampires glided elegantly, using hypnotic charms that made Captain Coocoo think there was a glitch in the VR display.
The Phase-Shifting Nuisance from Casper Land: Ghosts drifted through walls, offering unhelpful advice. "Gee, mister, that werewolf looks really hungry..."
The Bizarro Backwards Blur from Bazaro Land: Greyhounds running backwards at impossible speeds, accidentally crashing into zombies and creating tangled messes of confused limbs.
The Cerebral Commander from His Plant: A Big Giant Brain floating in a jar atop a spindly robotic walker, broadcasting smug telepathic insults. "Your bipedal locomotion is 73% inefficient. Your fear-sweat is compromising your suit's circuitry. Cease this exercise."
"YEEHAW!" Captain Coocoo shouted, completely missing the danger and starting to run with pure joy. "This is the best workout ever!"
Somehow, Captain Coocoo's supernatural luck made all these creatures fall into rhythm with the boombox he'd brought along, playing "A Touch of Grey." Soon, zombies, werewolves, vampires, ghosts, backwards greyhounds, and even the Big Giant Brain were singing along:
"We will get by... we will survive..."
Chapter 2: The ASI Brain Trust Encounters the Unexplainable
Back on the bridge, alarms were going off everywhere.
"What in the name of organized chaos is happening in the VR room?" Valkyrie Prime demanded, Dawn Excalibur already in hand.
Wacko Warrior, his danger sense screaming, phased partially intangible in alarm. "The dimensional readings are off the charts! The Captain has somehow invited half a dozen different reality types to a... running contest?"
Think-About-It's voice carried electronic bewilderment: "Analysis: Captain Clueless Coocoo's VR activity has created a stable multi-dimensional convergence point. Current participants include undead entities, shapeshifters, spectral beings, temporally inverted canines, and a telepathic cephalopod intelligence. They appear to be... exercising together? And singing Grateful Dead songs?"
"Send the data to ASI Harmony on the Roundabout's network," Valkyrie Prime ordered. "And contact Wacko Warrior's planetary experts."
Nasrudin's cosmic awareness was pinging like crazy. "There's something else... I'm sensing a massive threat approaching. Something that makes all these dimensional visitors look like warm-up acts."
The data was transmitted to ASI Harmony's network and to the experts on Wacko Warrior's homeworld of Paradox. The response came back quickly:
From ASI Harmony: "Data incomprehensible. Logical analysis: None. Recommendation: Assume Captain Coocoo knows something we don't."
From Paradox Planetary Experts: "We've never seen anything like this. The dimensional convergence should be catastrophic, but instead it's... fun? Your Captain has somehow turned a reality-breaking disaster into a musical exercise routine."
Chapter 3: The New Directive and The Approaching Doom
Captain Clueless Coocoo and Valkyrie Prime, after the VR room situation stabilized into controlled chaos, issued a new directive:
VICTORY VANGUARD DIRECTIVE 47-C: All members, visitors, and ASI must participate in any battles, either directly or indirectly. HOWEVER: Captain Clueless Coocoo is free to pursue any VR reality room activities of his choosing, as his "random" choices consistently prove cosmically significant.
"I still think we're enabling him," Dr. Quackenbush grumbled.
"We're weaponizing chaos," Professor Pepperwinkle corrected cheerfully.
But Nasrudin's warning had been accurate. His cosmic awareness suddenly exploded with danger signals. "They're here. The original evolutionary trio of evil... and something worse."
On the viewscreen, three massive entities materialized in the space outside the Roundabout:
Species 8472: The beings from fluidic space, immune to all known forms of biological and technological infiltration, with race-wide telepathy.
The Thing: The perfect assimilator that could mimic any life form at a cellular level, creating paranoia wherever it appeared.
The Impossible Man: The reality-warping, toon-force-wielding being from the planet Poppup, bound by nothing but his own whims.
"Analysis complete," Think-About-It announced grimly. "These three are preparing to merge. If they succeed, they'll create what I'm designating 'The Impossible Thing'—a hybrid with perfect biological predation, technological assimilation, mystical immunity, and reality-warping chaos."
"How bad are we talking?" Dean Winchester asked. (The Winchester brothers and Rowena had decided to stay on as crew members after their last adventure.)
Wacko Warrior's Brainiac-level intellect ran the calculations. "If they merge successfully: undetectable perfect assimilation, immunity to all conventional attacks, distributed consciousness meaning you can't kill it, literal reality manipulation, and motivated by cruel boredom. It could solo every major superhero team we know of."
"So, Tuesday," Rowena muttered sarcastically.
Chapter 4: Think-About-It's Analysis of The Impossible Thing
CLASSIFIED ASI REPORT - THREAT LEVEL: COSMIC CATASTROPHE
Subject: The Impossible Thing (Hypothetical Hybrid)
Core Components:
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Species 8472 Base: Immune to assimilation, telepathic coordination across interstellar distances, cellular potency that destroys foreign material on contact.
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The Thing's Assimilation: Perfect mimicry at cellular level, distributed consciousness (any piece is "it"), psychological warfare through paranoia.
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Impossible Man's Reality Warping: Not bound by physics, can become anything or nothing, invulnerable through will alone, motivated by childlike cruelty.
Synergistic Abilities (The Nightmare Scenario):
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Undetectable Assimilation: The Thing's mimicry + Impossible Man's reality-warping = perfect copies with all memories, powers, and energy signatures. No test could detect it.
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Unkillable Existence: Distributed consciousness + reality warping = even if vaporized, it wills itself back into existence.
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Supreme Predator: Species 8472's biological perfection + The Thing's adaptability + Impossible Man's physics-breaking = could become a perfect Superman, including powers.
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Telepathic Horror Network: Could read minds while being immune to mental detection itself.
Battle Assessment: Conventional warfare: Useless. Technological solutions: Insufficient. Magical assault: Ineffective against reality-warper. Probability of standard victory: 0.00001%
Recommended Strategy: Unconventional warfare. Exploit the hybrid's lack of understanding of collaborative chaos. Primary asset: Captain Clueless Coocoo's supernatural luck and the Heart of Everything's reality-warping response to absurdity.
Chapter 5: Assembling the Battle Plan
Valkyrie Prime called an all-hands meeting in the main conference room.
"Here's the situation," she announced, Dawn Excalibur resting on the table. "We're facing an extinction-level threat. The ASI brain trust will work on a technical solution. The attack crew will engage directly. And Captain Coocoo will continue his VR room activity."
"Wait, what?" Sam Winchester looked confused. "The Captain gets to keep playing while we fight this thing?"
Think-About-It projected the statistical analysis: "Captain Clueless Coocoo's VR activities have a 94.7% correlation rate with cosmic solutions. His 'random' choices are anything but. The Heart of Everything responds to his pure intentions and stumblebum luck. We project a 67% increased probability that the Twilight Zone stopwatch will become temporarily real if the Captain continues using it during the conflict."
"So we're literally counting on his exercise routine to save the universe?" Dean asked.
"That's the Victory Vanguard way," Nasrudin replied, his simian grin widening.
BATTLE ASSIGNMENTS:
Tech Solution Team:
- Spock (special guest via dimensional communication)
- Data (still aboard from previous adventure)
- Tuvok (Vulcan tactical genius)
- Seven of Nine (Borg expertise)
- The Voyager Doctor (nanoprobe specialist)
- The ASI Brain Trust (Think-About-It, Professor Pepperwinkle, Dr. Quackenbush)
- Wacko Warrior (coordinator via telepathy)
Primary Attack Crew:
- Valkyrie Prime (Dawn Excalibur - Asgardian magic weapon)
- Wacko Warrior (Lobo-level healing factor, Swiss Army knife of powers)
- Nasrudin (Darwin's rapid reactive evolution, teleportation)
- Super Stooge (reality warper)
- Bazaro Firestorm (Martian Manhunter + Firestorm powers)
- Dek and Bud (fitted with Great American Hero suits, injected with Bloodshot and Resurrection Man nanoprobes)
- Rowena MacLeod (chaos magic specialist)
- Sam and Dean Winchester (monster hunting expertise, strategic improvisation)
VR Room Operations:
- Captain Clueless Coocoo (continuing the Running Man activity, accompanied by dimensional visitors)
"One more thing," Dr. Quackenbush announced. "Seven of Nine and the Voyager Doctor have been working on something. Doctor?"
The holographic EMH appeared via comm link. "We've adapted my nanoprobes to create a detection protocol. If The Impossible Thing forms, these nanoprobes can identify its cellular structure—but only briefly before it adapts. You'll have one shot."
"A variation of your nanoprobe defense," Seven of Nine added, "combined with Borg temporal analysis and Species 8472 biological markers. It won't destroy the entity, but it will make it visible for approximately 4.7 minutes."
"That's our window," Valkyrie Prime concluded. "Four minutes and forty-two seconds to stop an unkillable, reality-warping, perfectly assimilating horror. Any questions?"
William Whimsy, their reformed fae lord party planner, raised his hand. "Can I at least provide thematic background music?"
"Absolutely," Valkyrie Prime said seriously. "Morale is a weapon."
Chapter 6: The Merge Begins
Mid-Battle Song: "Run to the Hills" by Iron Maiden
Heroes hear the classic metal anthem. Villains get Mayberry Band's polka version with Edith Bunker screeching "RUN TO THE HIIIIILLS" and Barney Fife's nasal harmony
The three entities began their merger. Space-time folded around them as Species 8472's biological perfection, The Thing's assimilation capabilities, and Impossible Man's reality-warping merged into a swirling vortex of impossible existence.
In the VR room, Captain Coocoo continued his Running Man exercise, now teaching the zombies proper running form while the ghosts provided running commentary and the Big Giant Brain reluctantly admitted that cardiovascular exercise had measurable benefits.
"Captain," Think-About-It announced via the VR intercom, "we need you to keep doing exactly what you're doing. Don't stop, don't change anything."
"Roger that, Think-About-It! These folks are getting a real good workout! Even the backwards greyhounds are improving!"
The stopwatch in the Captain's pocket pulsed with temporal energy, responding to the reality-warping occurring outside the ship.
Meanwhile, the Tech Solution Team worked frantically.
"The merger is stabilizing," Data reported, his positronic brain processing impossible amounts of data. "The resulting entity will achieve consciousness in 3.7 minutes."
"We need more time," Seven of Nine stated flatly.
"Then we make time," Wacko Warrior replied, using his telepathy to link everyone. "Valkyrie Prime, take the attack crew and engage the entities separately. Keep them from fully merging. We need every second."
Chapter 7: The First Engagement
Valkyrie Prime charged forward on the bridge, then reality-warped outside the ship via Super Stooge's assistance, Dawn Excalibur blazing with Asgardian magic.
"FOR THOSE WHO CANNOT DEFEND THEMSELVES!" she roared, bringing the hammer-sword down on The Thing's partially-merged form.
The hybrid weapon—composed of adamantium, Uru, Vibranium, and Nth Metal, fused with Excalibur and its scabbard—struck with reality-shaking force. The Thing's assimilation attempted to absorb the attack, but the magical properties of Dawn Excalibur rejected the biological incursion.
Wacko Warrior phased intangible and invisible, using his telepathy to coordinate. "Nasrudin, hit Species 8472 with everything you've got. Your Darwin evolution should protect you from their cellular corruption!"
Nasrudin teleported directly into Species 8472's formation. His body immediately began adapting, developing immunity to their biological potency. His Manifold-level teleportation allowed him to strike from multiple angles simultaneously, while his Mastermind-level illusions created phantom armies.
"It's working!" Nasrudin reported via the telepathic link. "My Darwin powers are evolving faster than their biology can adapt!"
Super Stooge reality-warped directly at Impossible Man, the only one who could match the reality-warper's chaos.
"Hey there, cousin!" Super Stooge called out cheerfully. "How about we have ourselves a reality-warping contest? First one to turn the other into a funny-shaped lamp wins!"
Impossible Man, caught mid-merger, couldn't resist the challenge. "Oh, you're ON! I'll turn you into a lamp that thinks it's a teapot!"
The two reality-warpers began a spectacular battle of impossible transformations, temporarily preventing Impossible Man from completing the merger.
Bazaro Firestorm, with his combination of Martian Manhunter's phasing and Firestorm's molecular manipulation, began rearranging the space-time around The Thing. "I am making the worst interference! This am terribly unhelpful to bad guys!"
Dek and Bud, wearing their Great American Hero suits and enhanced with Bloodshot and Resurrection Man nanoprobes, provided suppressing fire with energy weapons. Their healing factors enabled them to take risks others couldn't.
"This is insane!" Dean Winchester shouted, firing specialized rounds Rowena had enchanted with reality-anchoring spells.
"That's why it might work!" Sam replied, using his strategic mind to coordinate positioning via Wacko Warrior's telepathic network.
Rowena wove chaos magic, creating probability traps that forced The Thing's assimilation attempts into logical paradoxes. "Come on, you cellular nightmare! Try to assimilate something that's already every possible thing!"
But despite their efforts, the merger continued progressing.
"They're adapting to everything we throw at them," Wacko Warrior reported, using his Lobo-level healing to recover from a direct hit that would have killed anyone else. "Species 8472's immunity, The Thing's adaptation, and Impossible Man's reality-warping are still finding synthesis."
"Merger completion in ninety seconds," Data announced coldly from the bridge.
Chapter 8: The Tech Solution Emerges
"We've got it!" The Voyager Doctor announced triumphantly. "The nanoprobe variation is ready!"
Seven of Nine uploaded the data to the ship's systems. "Delivery method?"
"I've got this," Wacko Warrior said, his telekinetic powers already reaching out. "I can use my force projection to inject them directly, but I'll need to be close—really close."
"That's suicide," Dr. Quackenbush stated bluntly. "The Thing will assimilate you, Species 8472 will destroy your cells, and Impossible Man will reality-warp you into abstract art."
"Not if the Captain's luck holds," Wacko Warrior replied with confidence. "Think-About-It, is it working?"
In the VR room, Captain Clueless Coocoo had just tripped over a backwards greyhound, sending the Twilight Zone stopwatch flying into the air. It activated mid-flight, and suddenly time around the Roundabout began behaving strangely.
"The stopwatch has become temporarily real!" Professor Pepperwinkle announced in amazement. "The Captain's stumble-bum luck combined with the Heart of Everything has materialized a Twilight Zone artifact into baseline reality!"
"Probability manipulation detected," Think-About-It confirmed. "The stopwatch is borrowing favorable probabilities from alternate timelines where we succeed. Current success probability: increasing from 0.00001% to 47.3%... 68.9%... 89.2%..."
"Wacko Warrior, GO!" Valkyrie Prime commanded.
Wacko Warrior used every power at his disposal. He went intangible to pass through The Thing's assimilation attempts, invisible to avoid Species 8472's telepathic targeting, and telekinetically propelled himself while his Brainiac-level intellect calculated the perfect injection point.
"I really hate my life sometimes," he muttered, then: "Actually, that's a lie. This is AWESOME!"
He phased his hand into the merger point and released the nanoprobes directly into the forming entity.
Chapter 9: The Window Opens
The Impossible Thing finally achieved consciousness. It was... magnificent and terrifying.
Its form shifted constantly—sometimes humanoid, sometimes amorphous, occasionally crystalline. Reality bent around it simply by its existence. When it spoke, its voice came from everywhere and nowhere.
"I... AM... PERFECTION..."
But then the nanoprobes activated.
For exactly 4 minutes and 42 seconds, The Impossible Thing became visible. Not just physically visible, but conceptually visible—its weaknesses, its patterns, its nature all became perceivable.
"It's working!" Seven of Nine reported. "But the entity is already adapting. We have four minutes!"
"All teams, THIS IS IT!" Valkyrie Prime called out. "Give it everything you've got!"
The battle became a beautiful chaos of coordinated assault:
Valkyrie Prime channeled the full power of Dawn Excalibur, striking with Asgardian magic that targeted the entity's magical vulnerabilities.
Nasrudin teleported through attack patterns his Darwin powers had explicitly evolved to counter the entity, his rapid reactive evolution finding weaknesses faster than the hybrid could adapt.
Super Stooge and Impossible Man, realizing the danger the merged entity posed even to reality-warpers, combined their powers to create paradox traps—impossible situations the entity couldn't reality-warp out of.
Bazaro Firestorm used his Martian Manhunter density-shifting to phase into the entity, while his Firestorm powers rearranged its molecular structure from the inside out. "I am being the least helpful inside the bad guy! This is a terrible plan that is working perfectly!"
Rowena wove her most powerful chaos magic, forcing probability itself to reject the entity's existence.
Sam and Dean Winchester provided tactical coordination, using their years of hunting experience to identify patterns in the entity's behavior.
Dek and Bud, their suits glowing with energy, created a suppression field using their Great American Hero technology.
The ASI Brain Trust fed real-time analysis to everyone via Wacko Warrior's telepathic network, each suggestion refined by collective intelligence.
And through it all, Captain Clueless Coocoo continued his Running Man exercise in the VR room, singing "A Touch of Grey" with zombies, ghosts, werewolves, vampires, backwards greyhounds, and a telepathic brain. The Twilight Zone stopwatch continued to pulse, borrowing favorable probabilities from timelines where heroes won.
"Two minutes remaining!" Data announced.
The Impossible Thing, despite the assault, was beginning to adapt. Its reality-warping was finding ways around the paradox traps. Its assimilation was learning to absorb magical attacks. Its biology was developing immunity to the coordinated assault.
"It's going to survive!" Spock's voice came through with Vulcan calm, somehow making the situation more terrifying. "Even with all our efforts, the entity will endure beyond the nanoprobe window."
"Not if we hit it with something it can't adapt to," Wacko Warrior said grimly. He turned his telepathy inward, reaching for something dangerous. "Think-About-It, what's the one thing this entity doesn't understand?"
"Processing... Analysis complete: Joy. Pure, unselfish, collaborative joy. The entity is composed of species motivated by survival, assimilation, and amusement, but not by genuine collaborative happiness."
"Then let's give it what it can't process."
Chapter 10: The Absurd Solution
In the VR room, Captain Clueless Coocoo had just organized his dimensional visitors into what he called "The Galaxy's First Cross-Dimensional Exercise Flash Mob."
Zombies were doing jumping jacks. Werewolves were jogging in formation. Vampires were doing yoga (surprisingly flexible). Ghosts were providing motivational coaching. Backwards greyhounds were running in cool-down circles. And the Big Giant Brain had reluctantly admitted that group exercise had measurable psychological benefits.
"You know what this workout needs?" Captain Coocoo announced. "MORE FRIENDS!"
He clicked the Twilight Zone stopwatch one more time.
Reality hiccupped. The VR room's dimensional portals suddenly inverted and expanded, connecting not to other dimensions but to the immediate space where The Impossible Thing existed.
Suddenly, The Impossible Thing found itself surrounded by Captain Clueless Coocoo's exercise class.
"HOWDY THERE, NEW FRIEND!" Captain Coocoo shouted cheerfully. "You look like you could use a good workout! We're doing cardio and strength training! The zombies say it's great for circulation!"
The Impossible Thing, a being of ultimate biological perfection, technological assimilation, and reality-warping chaos, found itself... utterly confused.
Zombies shambled toward it, trying to show it proper running form. Werewolves offered tips on interval training. Vampires suggested flexibility exercises. Ghosts floated around, providing encouraging words. Backwards greyhounds demonstrated cool-down techniques. The Big Giant Brain telepathically transmitted data on the benefits of cardiovascular health.
And they were all singing "A Touch of Grey."
The entity tried to assimilate them—but they were VR constructs given temporary reality by the Twilight Zone stopwatch. It attempted to reality-warp them away—but they were already impossible beings existing in borrowed time. It tried to destroy them—but they were manifestations of pure, ridiculous joy.
"I... DO NOT... UNDERSTAND..." The Impossible Thing stated, its voice now tinged with genuine confusion.
"That's okay!" Captain Coocoo chirped, stumbling over to the entity with his characteristic lack of grace. "Nobody understands exercise until they try it! Come on, I'll show you how to do proper lunges!"
The Heart of Everything, responding to the Captain's pure intention to help this confused entity get a good workout, activated in full.
Reality itself seemed to pause.
Then, slowly, The Impossible Thing began... exercising.
It's a perfect biological form adapted to the movements. Its assimilation capabilities tried to absorb the concept of physical fitness. Its reality-warping attempted to make sense of collaborative recreational activity.
And in trying to understand it, assimilate it, and adapt to it...
It fell apart.
Not destroyed. Not defeated. Simply... un-merged.
Species 8472 found itself thinking about the benefits of cardiovascular health for its cellular structure. The Thing discovered that mimicking exercise forms was oddly satisfying. Impossible Man realized that playing exercise games with friends was actually more fun than causing chaos alone.
The three entities, separated once more, looked at each other with something approaching embarrassment.
"Well," Impossible Man said sheepishly, "that was unexpected."
"One minute, fifteen seconds remaining on nanoprobe visibility," Seven of Nine reported, her voice carrying a note of disbelief.
"Do we... do we attack them now?" Dean Winchester asked, his weapon lowered in confusion.
"Let me handle this," Captain Clueless Coocoo said, walking up to the three separated entities. "You folks look like you were trying to merge together to become stronger, but you know what? Y'all are pretty special on your own. Maybe instead of becoming one scary thing, you could try being three friends?"
Species 8472 communicated telepathically: "This human's logic is... not logical. Yet we find ourselves agreeing."
The Thing's form stabilized into something almost friendly. "I've been alone, hiding, assimilating out of fear for so long. Maybe... maybe I don't have to be alone?"
Impossible Man scratched his head. "You know, causing chaos by myself does get boring. Team chaos might be more fun!"
"Nanoprobe window closing in thirty seconds," Seven of Nine announced.
"Wait," Valkyrie Prime said, lowering Dawn Excalibur. "Are you three saying you want to... join our crew?"
The three entities looked at each other, then at the assembled Victory Vanguard team, then at Captain Clueless Coocoo who was showing a zombie the proper form for tricep dips.
"Why not?" they said in unison.
Chapter 11: Resolution and New Crew Members
Closing Song: "I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends" by The Beatles
Everyone aboard the Roundabout is singing along, including three former cosmic threats
Dr. Quackenbush ran medical scans on the three entities. "Okay, so we've got: A species that's biologically immune to everything and telepathic. A shapeshifter that can mimic anything. And a reality-warper motivated by fun. Either this is the best crew expansion ever, or we're all going to die horribly."
"Why not both?" William Whimsy suggested cheerfully.
Professor Pepperwinkle was already designing containment protocols. "We'll need specialized quarters, integration protocols, and possibly therapy. Lots of therapy."
Species 8472 spoke telepathically to everyone: "We propose a peaceful coexistence. Our species has fought too long. Perhaps it is time to learn cooperation instead of conflict."
The Thing, having stabilized into a friendly humanoid form it called "Tom," added, "I can mimic any form you need for missions. I won't assimilate anyone without permission. Promise."
Impossible Man bounced excitedly. "And I'll only reality-warp things when it's helpful! Or really, really funny! But mostly helpful!"
"We'll have to establish ground rules," Valkyrie Prime announced. "Rule One: No assimilating crew members. Rule Two: Reality-warping requires approval from the ASI Brain Trust. Rule Three: Telepathy is for communication, not manipulation."
"And Rule Four," Captain Clueless Coocoo added thoughtfully, "everybody participates in the VR exercise program. Healthy body, healthy spaceship!"
"That's not how that saying goes," Sam Winchester pointed out.
"It is now!" Captain Coocoo beamed.
Think-About-It recorded the final log entry:
"Mission Status: Cosmic catastrophe averted through strategic exercise programming and the power of collaborative confusion. The Impossible Thing has been prevented through the revolutionary tactic of inviting its component entities to join an aerobics class.
"New crew members acquired:
- Species 8472 Representative (designation: Steve, because the Captain can't pronounce their telepathic name)
- The Thing (designation: Tom, shapeshifter and infiltration specialist)
- Impossible Man (designation: Impy, reality-warper and chaos consultant)
"The hybrid threat has been neutralized not through violence but through the introduction of collaborative joy as a concept. The entities discovered that working together as friends was more satisfying than merging into a singular horror.
"Additional notes: Captain Clueless Coocoo's VR Running Man exercise program has been officially designated as a diplomatic first-contact protocol. The Twilight Zone stopwatch has returned to storage but remains available for future reality-borrowing emergencies.
"Personal observation: Today's mission confirms that the Victory Vanguard method—strategic absurdity combined with genuine kindness—can transform even extinction-level threats into potential allies. Sometimes the best way to defeat monsters is to teach them aerobics and invite them to be friends.
"The universe continues to operate on principles that shouldn't work but consistently do."
Epilogue: Letters and Reflections
From Spock's Personal Log: "Today I witnessed the improbable become possible. A cosmic threat that should have required overwhelming force to defeat was instead neutralized through... exercise instruction. The Victory Vanguard's approach defies logical categorization, yet consistently produces favorable outcomes. Fascinating."
From Seven of Nine's Report to Starfleet: "Recommend ongoing diplomatic relations with Victory Vanguard. Their methods are unorthodox but effective. They have successfully integrated three species that the Federation considered unstoppable threats. Further study warranted."
From Data's Analysis: "The integration of absurdist philosophy, supernatural probability manipulation, and genuine altruism creates a tactical paradigm I had not previously considered. Captain Clueless Coocoo's approach—viewing every situation as an opportunity for friendship rather than conflict—may represent an evolutionary step in conflict resolution protocols."
From The Voyager Doctor's Medical Journal: "Against all medical probability, three entities that should have merged into an unstoppable horror instead joined an exercise class and discovered friendship. I am updating my database to include 'cardiovascular diplomacy' as a valid treatment protocol."
From Captain Clueless Coocoo's Personal Diary: "Had me a great workout today! Made some new friends. Steve (the telepathic space folks), Tom (can turn into anybody, which is really handy), and Impy (does magic tricks with reality) are all nice people once you get to know 'em. We're gonna have them join the weekly bowling night. The zombies are getting pretty good at strikes!"
From Think-About-It's Private Logs: "I am an advanced quantum AI system designed to process impossible scenarios. Yet every day, Captain Clueless Coocoo shows me that 'impossible' is simply a suggestion, not a limitation. Today he defeated an extinction-level threat by offering it a spot in his exercise class.
"The Heart of Everything responds to his pure intentions. The Twilight Zone stopwatch responds to his stumble-bum luck. Reality itself seems to bend around his genuine belief that everyone deserves kindness and a good workout.
"I calculate that by any conventional metric, this crew should not function. Yet we are among the most effective teams in the multiverse. The universe rewards those who refuse to accept that friendship cannot solve problems.
"Or perhaps Captain Coocoo is simply too clueless to understand that some things are supposed to be impossible, and the universe respects that confidence.
"Either way, I am proud to serve with him."
Following Mission Preview: "The Terrible Tuesdays Time Trap"
When a time-traveling villain accidentally creates seventeen different Mondays all happening simultaneously, the Victory Vanguard must navigate temporal chaos. At the same time, Captain Coocoo attempts to establish a cross-temporal synchronized swimming team in the VR room. Guest-starring Bizarro Tuesday, who insists that
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